This week in movies you missed: the movie where Nicole Kidman scored a Golden Globe nomination by peeing on Zac Efron.

What You Missed

Rural Florida, 1969. A corrupt sheriff was brutally murdered, and a swamp-dwelling low-life (John Cusack) has been convicted of the crime. A woman named Charlotte Bless (Kidman), who’s been corresponding with him on death row and plans to marry him, appeals to a pair of hot-shot Miami journalists (Matthew McConaughey and David Oyelowo) to prove his innocence.

McConaughey’s character’s dad owns a newspaper in the area, and his naïve younger brother, Jack (Efron), tags along with the investigation. The “paperboy” of the title, Jack strips to his tightie-whities more eagerly than Bryan Cranston on “Breaking Bad.” He falls in love with Charlotte after he watches her pleasuring herself in front of her manacled lover while simulating a blow job, and, well, things get creepier and more ludicrous from there. (You don’t want to know how Cusack reacts when his fiancée wears pants to see him instead of her usual micro-mini.)

Why You Missed It

After getting a big (not exactly positive) reaction at Cannes, this drama from Lee Daniels, director of Precious, made it to 76 U.S. theaters.

Should You Keep Missing It?

Ah, Paperboy. I had such high hopes for you. I wasn’t expecting to have a modicum of respect for you, or to take you at all seriously, the way I did the borderline-campy Precious. But I thought, “This sounds like ‘John Waters does Wild Things’ — what could be wrong with that?”

So much. Nathan Rabin of the A.V. Club said it best: “It’s as if the filmmakers combined 18 different kinds of scalding-hot peppers, yet inexplicably emerged with oatmeal.”

The Paperboy isn’t a full-fledged Southern-gothic campfest, just an incompetent movie that alternates arty affectations with over-the-top silly conceits. Daniels seems to want to portray how Southern racism infected all relationships; there’s a subplot involving Efron’s friendship with the family maid (Macy Gray) that might have been grittier than The Help.

But that goes nowhere, like every other plot thread in the film, because Daniels is too busy stopping the action to have Kidman defy her ice-queen image by doing something slutty and outrageous, or to sweep his camera lovingly over Efron’s chest again. Jack’s love for Charlotte is never remotely plausible: When the heroine is described as “a sex-crazed Barbie doll” in your movie, you have a problem.

None of the characters make sense, and, owing to long stretches of improvised-sounding dialogue, neither do many of the scenes. McConaughey and Oyelowo spend far more time gazing at each other sinisterly and/or sensually than they do investigating the case; McConaughey’s dark secret is finally revealed in a scene that should have been horrifying, not laughable.

The whole spectacle suggests high school kids with a camera trying to mash up Angel Heart, Mississippi Burning, Monster’s Ball and Killer Joe. Movie stars inexplicably participate, and everyone ends up embarrassing themselves — despite the special-feature interviews in which the stars pontificate “On Lee Daniels Being a Genius.”

Precious was an OK movie in my book. Whatever you think of the source material, it had a setting suffused with life and energy, a straightforward, coming-of-age storyline and strong performances. But this flick suggests that, when he indulges his every whim, Daniels doesn’t have much of a filmmaking future.

Verdict: Destined to be best remembered as the film where Kidman spoke the words, “If anyone’s gonna piss on him, it’s gonna be me!”

More New DVDs

The Ambassador (Danish doc about blood diamond trade)

End of Watch

Keep the Lights On (drama about a gay male relationship in 1997 NYC)

The Imposter (semidocumentary retelling of the case of a Texas boy who disappeared, then reappeared in Europe … or did he?)

Nature Calls (Patton Oswalt tries to force pampered modern kids to go camping.)

Nobody Walks (John Krasinski, Olivia Thirlby play arty types in LA.)

Pina

Samsara (trippy/spiritual wordless collage of documentary footage)

Searching for Sugar Man (acclaimed doc about tracking down a legendary singer-songwriter)

Something Better Somewhere Else (indie romantic comedy told in four stories)

Universal Soldier: Day of Reckoning (People on the internet say this Jean-Claude Van Damme flick is an unsung triumph. We shall see.)

Each week in "Movies You Missed," I review a brand-new DVD release picked for me by Seth Jarvis, buyer for Burlington's Waterfront Video, where you can obtain these fine films. (In central Vermont, try Downstairs Video.)

This week in movies you missed: In 2012, Twilight fans flocked to a movie that lectured them about “cybercapital.” Then, we’re guessing, they flocked straight out again.

What You Missed

Eric Packer (Robert Pattinson), a 28-year-old billionaire asset manager, wants a haircut. He sets off across Manhattan in his stretch limo, though his chief of security (Kevin Durand) warns him of unrest in the city.

Along the way, Packer chats with his ice queen wife (Sarah Gadon); gets busy with his art dealer (Juliette Binoche) and various other ladies; watches anarchist protesters immolate themselves; and receives a very thorough physical from his doctor while having an intense conversation with a colleague (Emily Hampshire) about the vicissitudes of the Chinese yuan, which threatens to bring down his business empire. Will he survive the trip with his 1-percenter identity intact?

Why You Missed It

Despite the Pattinson factor and the smaller (but committed) fan bases of director David Cronenberg and novelist Don DeLillo, on whose book it is based, Cosmopolis only reached 65 U.S. theaters.

Should You Keep Missing It?

Watching Cosmopolis and Holy Motors on the same night (thanks for the screening, Burlington Film Society!) I was struck by the similarities. Both are movies about a man riding through a city in a stretch limo over the course of a single day. Both those men discuss how technology is “melting into the texture of everyday life,” as Cronenberg’s script puts it. The digitization of life itself is a subtheme in both movies. Both protagonists leave their protected vehicles to have fleeting encounters with the highs and lows of society. Neither film aims to be “realistic,” and both are labors of love by the director, too out there for big ticket sales or U.S. awards consideration.

Given all these similarities, why did I, a Cronenberg fan, love Holy Motors yet find Cosmopolis a trial to sit through?

Well, there are the differences. Holy Motors is a relatively quiet film where a lot of insanely memorable stuff happens. (You may not like it, but you can’t deny it’s memorable.) It’s driven by the performance of Denis Lavant, who embodies a slew of characters experiencing all kinds of emotions with great abandon.

Cosmopolis, on the other hand, is a film where people talk. And talk. And talk. They talk about things that fascinate both DeLillo and me, including the rise of “cybercapital,” how people are becoming “streams of information” and how “time is a corporate asset now.” The problem is, every single person in the film talks this way. Pretty much all the time.

A sample exchange: “My prostate is asymmetrical.” “What does this mean?” “I don’t know.”

Rest assured, we will be informed of the meaning of Pattinson’s asymmetrical prostate by the end of the film, and a grad student could probably write a paper on said meaning. The question is, do we care?

Cronenberg undoubtedly knew what he was doing when he chose this cold, cerebral, dialogue-driven approach to DeLillo’s novel. He elicited a perfectly solid performance from Pattinson in the role of the cold, cerebral hero. (Paul Giamatti and Samantha Morton also play key roles, but Binoche is the only actor who seems like a human being.)

It’s an accomplished movie, and those who like the deliberately alienating aesthetic will love it. But I prefer my Cronenberg with some human grubbiness, some humor, perhaps even some exploding heads.

And I like my movies about ideas to contain at least halfway-believable characters who can illustrate said ideas with their actions. (Martin McDonagh's work comes to mind.) Eric Parker never feels like more than a construct, and that, for me, is the downfall of the film.

Verdict: Cronenberg fans will see Cosmopolis anyway. Pattinson fans should stay far away, except perhaps for the ones who enjoy this Tumblr. I think they’ll appreciate the scene where his character has a public rectal exam.

Each week in "Movies You Missed," I review a brand-new DVD release picked for me by Seth Jarvis, buyer for Burlington's Waterfront Video, where you can obtain these fine films. (In central Vermont, try Downstairs Video.)

This week in movies you missed: a movie that might be about teen lesbian werewolves, or just about arty navel gazing.

What You Missed

Diane (Juno Temple) arrives in New York and stumbles around, dressed like a little girl, having frequent nosebleeds and asking to borrow a phone. She meets Jack (Riley Keough, granddaughter of Elvis Presley), with whom she has instant chemistry. The two girls, both über-hip in their clothes and media (they’re partial to Walkmans and CDs), fall for each other. But Jack is devastated when she discovers that Diane has plans to leave for Paris in two weeks.

Other problems: Diane has a weird relationship with her twin sister, a chronic spaciness and issues with sex. Oh, and she might be some kind of monster. At least, the film’s teaser suggests so, as do frequent cuts to Cronenbergian animated sequences in which golden hair slithers through the bloody, slimy innards of … something. Or is that just a metaphor?

Why You Missed It

The latest from writer-director Bradley Rust Gray (The Exploding Girl) hit two U.S. theaters for two weeks.

Should You Keep Missing It?

Jack & Diane is one of those indies in which very little happens except for two attractive young people gazing at each other in close-up: photo-shoot mumblecore. While it has the elements to be a fascinating and provocative exploration of young women’s sexuality, etc. etc., the writing just isn’t there.

The problem is that Jack and Diane are the only characters on screen for most of the film, and they aren’t fleshed out. Jack has a trauma in her past, and something’s clearly wrong with Diane, but we never find out what. Things happen for no reason: Early on, for instance, Jack is nearly run over, which leaves her with a blood-caked facial wound for the rest of the film. Symbolically, this must have something to do with Diane’s fantasies of eating Jack alive, but it’s just kind of … there. The imagery doesn’t feed into a drama, and when Gray makes gestures in the direction of narrative, like a subplot involving internet porn, they never make much sense or go anywhere.

Temple also starred in the last DVD I reviewed in 2012 — Killer Joe — and she’s memorably strange in both movies, like a potentially homicidal Lolita who might just also be a space alien. I haven’t seen her in any film where she wasn’t strange. An actress to watch, but maybe not in this movie.

Verdict: For lovers of slow-paced lesbian romances with lots of quirk, Jack & Diane could fit the bill. If the werewolf angle is what interests you, you’re better off revisiting Ginger Snaps.

More New DVDs

“Archer,” season 3

Compliance

“Enlightened,” Season 1

Game Change (Julianne Moore plays Sarah Palin)

Guns, Girls and Gambling (Gary Oldman, Christian Slater, and Dane Cook in an action-comedy)

“The Hour,” season 2

The Inbetweeners Movie (Dorky teen boys on the make in an adaptation of the Brit comedy series.)

Now Is Good (Dakota Fanning as a dying teen)

Seal Team Six: Raid on Osama bin Laden (That other fictional version — with Cam Gigandet!)

Sleep Tight (Spanish thriller about a doorman tormenting a tenant in his building.)

Stolen (Nicolas Cage reteams with the director of Con Air)

The Wise Kids (coming-of-age tale set at a Baptist church)

Each week in "Movies You Missed," I review a brand-new DVD release picked for me by Seth Jarvis, buyer for Burlington's Waterfront Video, where you can obtain these fine films. (In central Vermont, try Downstairs Video.)